Tag Archives: journey

Love Hurts

It’s been about three weeks since we moved into our new town and our new place that we call home.  It has taken me awhile to post with all the unpacking, cleaning and getting things into working condition.

As I have posted before, I have the privilege of helping our youngest son and his lovely wife with their two fantastic daughters while they attend University full time.  That is why my husband and I moved to the small mid-west town that we affectionately refer to as The Burg.

When we found this rental we were getting a bit anxious.  We had been looking for months to no avail.  We had a planned road trip vacation to the east coast coming up the end of June into July and wanted to secure a place before we left.

Well, we did.  And we are thankful to our God for this home.  The Burg is a small college town.  The University takes up a good portion of the center of town, so you will see many students living, well, everywhere and anywhere that will take them outside of dorm living.  It was hard to find a house with a fenced yard for the dogs that wasn’t trashed by intellectual  a house full of students with landlords that really don’t seem to mind.

Aside from securing a home before we went on vacation, I had it in my head to move in a couple of weeks after returning. I wanted our thirteen year old grandson – who was returning with us to Missouri until the first of August – to see where we would be living and to experience our new location.

More on the area next time.  Now for the real reason I’m writing this post.  Love.

Almost fourteen years ago, I had the most amazing experience of my life.  My oldest son’s wife invited me into the birthing room for the birth of her third child, the one who came home with us this year from vacation.  The one I mentioned above.

During his mom’s pregnancy, I talked to her womb often.  I basically said. “Hi.  It’s okay.  I’m here.”  When the moment came and this wonderful little boy popped out into this strange world – he cried.  The nurse took him over to the other side of the room to wash him and weigh him and so on.  He was lying there on a table just crying his lungs out.  I walked over to him and said, “Hi.  It’s okay.  I’m here”. And he stopped crying instantly.  We bonded for the second time at that moment.

This incredibly talented and big hearted boy and I became very close from that moment on.  When we left the east coast, five and a half years ago, my heart tore and cracked.  I didn’t think I could do this journey without him near me.  I was wrong.  My friend Jesus was there every step of the way for both myself and this young lad.

Every time we visit our family there I cry when we leave.  So you can see how important it was for me to have him see where I would be.  So he could have a visual.

Well, on August first, he left me again.  My husband did too.  They flew away together and my husband had business so he was gone for a week.  I thought that it would be a fast moving week because of all the unpacking and such that I had to do.

It was rough.  Here I was in a new town and just the dogs to talk to.  My buddy went home and the tear in my heart hurt.

When I had children my heart grew.  But when I had grandchildren it got stinkin’ big!

I never knew I could love so much.  I never knew that true love can hurt so bad.  We lost a daughter and our hearts exploded.  But our hearts heal.  The scars are there and the cracks and the wounds and cuts are there.  I do believe that these things make our hearts stronger and even bigger…….. if we allow.

There are times I want to close the door to loving someone.  To getting close to friends or loved ones.  I know it’s because I don’t want to hurt if they leave or when they leave.

Driving through town today we saw many parents leaving their kids at the University for the first time.  I saw it on their faces.  It was all too familiar.  You are happy for them and their adventures but your heart is aching and cracking a little as you say goodbye.

It’s part of life as a human.  You have, you have not.  You love, you get hurt.  You give and you take.  We do have a choice.  We can choose to love so much that it feels like the earth flew off it’s axis.  Or, we can decide to with hold love – giving and taking it – so that we will not hurt.  That’s the worst.  I know.  I’ve tried both.  I’d rather risk the hurt than never have loved.

Alfred Lord Tennyson said it well:

I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

If you have read any of my previous posts you know that I do like adventures.  So here I am, once again, beginning a new adventure.  The University begins classes this Tuesday.  The little lassies will be over to Mammy’s house and we begin a new school year adventure together.  I write this with a tear in my eyes thinking of the journey I am on with these grand daughters.  To be able to be such a part of their life is amazing.  Just as I am a part of my grandson’s life.  We still have that bond – even though he is entering his teen years – I am his Uma and will always be.

Keep your hearts open, my friends.  Love is there, around every bend and in every step we take.  I hope you choose to take the love.

The Glory of Love

You’ve got to give a little, take a little
And let your poor heart break a little
That’s the story of, that’s the glory of love

You’ve got to laugh a little, cry a little
Before the clouds roll by a little
That’s the story of, that’s the glory of love

As long as there’s the two of you
You’ve got the world and all its charms
And when the world is through with you
You’ve got each other’s arms

You’ve got to win a little, lose a little
And always have the blues a little
That’s the story of, that’s the glory of love

As long as there’s the two of you
You’ve got the world and all its charms
And when the world is through with you
You’ve got each other’s arms

You’ve got to win a little, lose a little
And always have the blues a little
That’s the story of, that’s the glory of love
That’s the story of, that’s the glory of love

Songwriters
LOVETT, LYLE PEARCE / HILL, WILLIAM J.

 

Enjoy!

cate b

 

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Prisoner of Hope – The Colors of Hope

part 12 ……. cropped-dscn0438.jpg

I have a friend who loves to tell stories of hope.   They’re the kind of stories where you could sit back and close your eyes and see yourself in your daddy’s lap, holding onto every word, feeling safe and secure.  No matter how many times I hear his stories I get more out of them.  I hear things I didn’t hear the last time I listened.  I cry and I laugh.

One of his stories talks about perspective.  At least, that’s what I get out of it.  I think perspective is very much intertwined in life.  I grew up in a home where the perspective was very negative.  Because of that, I grew up thinking I was basically something other than I am today.  In this hope story my friend talks about – well,  I don’t want to spoil it for you so you need to go to:  http://bobhartley.org/hope-videos/ and listen to Best View in Town.   

When something throws a wrench in your life and suddenly you’re facing a crisis or a dilemma that you just don’t understand, at that very moment you have a choice.  Well, that’s not very fair of me, actually.  When you lose someone a lot goes through your head or you are very numb, or both.  But once you get through the news of what happened and you get through the plans of burial and memorial or what have you, it is then that you make a choice.  At least it was for me.

How will I go through life now, you wonder.  We all have different personalities and different thought processes.  Some, when they loose a loved one, get rid of all their stuff and reminders.  Some keep everything as it was. And I’m sure there are countless other ways to deal with the hole in your life.  I don’t think there is a right or a wrong way.  For me, I knew I had to move forward as best as I could.  I knew my daughter would have expected that.  Her personality was one to never want any of us to not do what we were suppose to do because I something she did or something going on in her life.  So that made it a little easier to pick ourselves up and move forward.

About perspective – I was thinking about my life, now that’s it’s been eight years since we lost Vanessa.  I like puzzles and I like mysteries.  But I like them to be completed and solved.  I was thinking about how my life was like a jigsaw puzzle – I pictured all these pieces laid out on a table – some were put together and some waiting.  But what I saw so far were black pieces.  No color.  I love colors – so to picture this was a bit un-nerving to me.  I realized these black pieces were how I felt about the loss we have as a family.  Life feels black sometimes.  But then I saw that I only saw part of the puzzle.  That God saw the whole puzzle – he has the “box” so to speak, with the completed picture of my life on it.  He sees the end result.  He has the “best view in town”.  That is when I realized that hope has color.  Hope has a view that is good and sees more than what is right in front of it.  It’s not a which on a star – it’s a deep routed view of what our life truly is and can become.  I want to always choose life and always choose hope.  It is a daily choice for me.  But it is colorful and I believe it is right.

hope in Pink

cate b

I want to thank you for reading the last 12 “chapters” of my journey.  I will continue to blog about ………. life.  But the Prisoner of Hope series will be expanding and publishing as a book.  I do invite you to continue reading my posts and join me in the book that is in process.

God bless you all in your journey of hope.

Kiss Me

Did you know that the Greek word proskuneo means to kiss (like a dog licking his master’s hand), to do reverence to, adore, etc.?  It originally carried with it the idea of subjects falling down to kiss the ground before a king or kiss their feet.

When I worship God I like to think of this.  He is definitely worthy.  There is a song by Sixpence None the Richer that I think of my God when I hear it.  Come on, bear with me and use a mature mind.  Nothing “sexual” about it.  Simply paying adoration and reverence to a God who is closer than a brother – a real friend AND a king.

Sixpence None The Richer – Kiss Me

Kiss me out of the bearded barley
Nightly, beside the green, green grass
Swing, swing, swing the spinning step
You wear those shoes and I will wear that dress.

[Chorus:]
Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift your open hand
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance
Silver moon’s sparkling
So kiss me

Kiss me down by the broken tree house
Swing me upon its hanging tire
Bring, bring, bring your flowered hat
We’ll take the trail marked on your father’s map

I like to think of the “We’ll take the trail marked on your father’s map” as me and Jesus and God the father’s map.  A journey through life.

I hope the reader doesn’t take offense by what I say here today.  It’s not about religion, but a relationship with The Father, The Son and the Holy Spirit.  That’s what He wants.

Just something for you to ponder. 🙂

cb